Where is the nearest wine?

Où est le vin?

Speaking of no-nonsense conversations: an idea came to me the other day of a series of foreign-language conversation books for no-nonsense tourists. The French one might start comme ça:

How come your women are so pretty and your politics so ugly?

Does the Grand Orient rule France well?

Honestly, is the TGV a good enough reason to adopt socialism?

How much?? I didn’t want to buy the whole vineyard, just one bottle of Pétrus!


If Waterloo in London were to be renamed, would you prefer Crécy or Saint Helena as a new name?

What did your grandfather do during the Revolution?

Funny, I could swear my baguette was longer before I looked away.

I hope the length of your lunch break won't be affected when the country goes bust...

Remind me please who was Dreyfus?

What’s the most adequate French adjective for the feeling of having lost a sophisticated lead in the universal culture to the unimaginative shop-keepers from across La Manche?

In the next revolution will you be executing people in a different way?

Is everyone funny or it’s just the way you speak?

I didn't catch that: did you say it was one year or one month France held out against Hitler?

Excuse me, my baguette it's running out (funny, I'd swear it was longer, before ... or - never mind...) -  how do I get my local shop-keeper to put in longer hours?

When are you going to learn English?

O! I didn’t realise Depardieu was Russian.

Who has won this year's Tour de France? And last year? (And Wimbledon, and who -rather than France - got to stage the 2012 Olympics and - the last one, I promise - who  took away from you the control of the universal culture?)

[with a map in your hand, as part of the ploy, to an attractive passer-by] Excusez-moi, is this the right way to French kiss?

And most importantly, and before anything else:

Where is the nearest wine?

PS I just dread to think what the German version will sound like...